|1) Deserving Target|
2) Crazed, Pie-Slinging Assailant(s)
3) Pie - See below for recipe/packaging options, and factors to consider in choosing
| 4) Scours|
5) Getaway Driver
Pieing, like property destruction, demystifies and undermines the power structures of our society by showing that icons and idols are not unassailable or above ridicule. It's like burning someone in effigy, only better, because it reveals how, in this media-addled society public figureheads are nothing more than effigies of themselves, ripe for the roasting.
|First Things First...|
Choose a worthy target. It could be a specialist, CEO, or head of state--pie terroristshave already hit all of these on various occasions to great effect--or a less obvious quarry who nonetheless represents social forces imbued with a seriousness that must be undercut. Hitting a reporter during a live media event, for example, could send an important message.
The other question is when and where. Striking while your target is onstage giving a speech delivers the maximum shock and awe; on the other hand, it also involves the maximum danger of being caught, so if you're not eager to go to court and perhaps jail,you could try striking somewhere between the chauffeured car and the red-carpeted doorway and then making a break for it. Be on the lookout for perfect opportunities; don't force things, they'll present themselves sooner or later. As you balance risk versus audience and humiliation potential, factor in local legal precedents, the prevailing political climate, and the competence of your lawyer. Don't expect justice, but don't let thepolice state keep you down.
|Dress The Part||
It doesn't take an economist or espionage expert to figure out that if you try to enter a meeting of the pretentious and portentous with metal spikes in your nose and pie-stains on your t-shirt, you may not be admitted. Shave, put on a suit, wear an American flag pin, keep your hair short, you'll be able to go anywhere! More important than the accessories, however, is the vibe you project: you should radiate confidence, comfort,and a sense of purpose, as if you not only belong there but serve an important organizational role. It can be shockingly easy to sneak into high-security events: a few weeks ago, my student friends got in free to a top dollar fundraiser at which the Vice President was speaking simply by introducing themselves at the door as the local Young Republicans group. They would have been able to stay for the whole event, had the Young Republicans themselves not eventually shown up! For more on such matters,see Infiltration.
As for the pie, carry it in a bowling ball bag, or keep it in a container with a plastic lid and carry it in a nondescript briefcase or top-secret spy satchel under your coat. The type of pie will dictate the details of concealment and delivery while the environment will dictate your subterfuge; at a press conference, you might want to smuggle it in inside a smart attache case or large notebook, while on the street you could carry it in a pizza box, same as you would Stencils or Asphalt Mosaics another evening.
Is The Message
The experienced pie assassins of the Biotic Baking Brigade use whipped cream on paper plates whenever possible: whipped cream makes a dramatic mess, and paper plates are harmless projectiles. On the other hand, if your target is surrounded by security personnel, you probably won't be safe stopping to fill a plate with whipped cream at the last moment; in such a situation, something with enough internal coherence to be kept sidewise until the moment of truth, such as a tofu cream pie, will serve better. Old-fashioned apple or cherry pies have a certain nostalgia value that can sometimes outweigh their unwieldiness.
Try not to do anything that will actually injure your target - your goal is to humiliate, not hospitalize, or else you'd be using a crowbar. If your target is wearing glasses, unless you are indeed using whipped cream on a paper plate or something similarly fluffy, try to hit from the side, avoiding the eye area. As for ingredients, staying away from animal products is not only eco-friendly, but also saves you the trouble of researching whether your quarry is lactose intolerant. Some pie fillings can look like blood on the recipient's face, so stay away from those unless that's the image you want the world to see.
Should you throw your missile, or mash it right in the victim's face? The former is less certain to succeed, but safer for the target, and more breathtaking to behold when it works; the latter is harder to carry off in the midst of high security, especially if you're hoping to escape. If you may indeed have to throw the pie, make sure you get plenty of practice in advance.
If there are armed guards present, try to make it clear at the last instant that your weapon is a pie and nothing more: hold it high and move with steadiness and confi-
dence no desperate lunges! You want to retain just enough of the element of surprise to hit your object, without getting shot full of bullets as a result. It never hurts to have a clever quip prepared, either: "It's a good day to pie," etcetera.
How many assailants is enough? Having several ready can increase the odds that one will succeed, but it might be easier to stay inconspicuous if only one or two people are
sneaking around where they shouldn't be. If a diversion draws everyone's attention in one direction, the lone pie-slinger can approach from the other side. Again, the terrain will determine what works; if you have to cover a broad area and don't know where your quarry will show himself, a dozen groups of three might fan out to be sure one could do the job.
A fumy, dramatic photo and a witty press release will get you a long way, whether your intention is to get coverage in the corporate press or just inspire your fellow radicals through underground reports. To this end, having your own photographers on hand can be a good idea-if you do succeed in acting with the element of surprise, they'll probably be the only ones ready to snap the pictures at the big moment, unless you've interrupted a photo session to make your hit. A good image of a successful pieing can make it into commercial outlets that would otherwise never publish anything compromising the dignity of dignitaries. If you're set on making this happen, get your image and press release out the instant the event takes place, and have a press liaison ready to answer questions immediately about why anyone would want to pie your chosen target. Even if you're trying to get media attention, don't rely on those deceit-spewing mercenaries make sure you're putting the necessary energy into supporting independent media networks that are ready to tell the truth for its own sake.
Bill Gates took a cream pie to the face in February 1998 as he headed to a meeting in Brussels.
The President of the United States was running for re-election, and showed up at a city in our territory for a fundraising luncheon. Quite a few of the state's wealthiest and most conservative businessmen came to pay thousands of dollars a plate to hear him speak, a far greater number of angry protesters showed up to boo him, and the city brought in massive numbers of police to assist the Secret Service in protecting our Campaigner in Chief. The stage was set for something to happen-but what?
The character of the pre-protest rally was dictated by the "opposition" party, which was as repugnant as the incumbent himself. None of us had made it out in advance to beau-
tify the terrain, and though there were some radicals present, there was no framework for militant action organized, either. Things only got a little interesting when everyone converged around the convention center at the end of the luncheon; finally, there was a little noise and spirit. The police had us lined up behind a metal fence on one side of the building, however, and it was still one of those disempowering, demoralizing situations where the best you can hope for is to perform your posed discontent for a camera crew.
I ran around to survey the area, and figured out which route the President's motorcade would be using to leave. The police had blocked all access to it except for an alley
that could be reached by passing through a hotel parking garage. I slipped back to the main group, and let the drummers know about this; they proceeded there, to see the
motorcade off. I was about to join them, when I spied a small group of men in expensive business suits. They were walking down the street in the opposite direction, right past the protesters and away from the police lines, receiving attention from no one. In twos and threes behind them, more such groups were leaving the building and walking out of the area, presumably back to their cars. These were the men who had paid to attend the fundraiser. I decided to let the drummers handle the going-away party and investigate.
I accosted the next pair of businessmen, looked deep into their eyes, and raised my
fingers in their faces in an insulting gesture. This did little to advance the struggle for social liberation, though it did prompt the Muslim minister who had been the only even vaguely radical speaker at the pre-protest rally to point me out to his friends and give me his card. I took a different tact with the next capitalist who came along-I fell in beside him, and began interrogating him about his social role and political goals. Well-practiced as his kind have to be in evasiveness and prevarication, he was nearly a match for me in the rhetoric department, and I hadn't quite finished converting him to anarchism by the time he got to his car.
At that point, we were quite far from the protest and the police--looking around the empty streets, I saw only a few figures, all of them other bourgeois pigs leaving the luncheon! Christ, I realized, this is where the action could have been, if only we'd prepared. Fuck the big guy, with his millions of dollars of security-he only has power because these people pay so much to come to his luncheons, and here they are totally unprotected! If we had come in small groups with cameras and pies, we could have provided a persuasive deterrent to these folks showing up to future such events, and quite probably gotten away with it, too. I guess there's always next time-and yes, kids, if there's ever a noxious political fundraiser in your area, please do try this at home!